working with avoidance

One of the hardest things I've found when coaching individual clients, and giving feedback in the community, is how to:

help people get out of avoidant patterns WITHOUT shaming them or making rest seem like a negative outcome. 

Because look - sometimes you need a day off. Sometimes you need to only work two hours a day. Sometimes, I have no idea, as a coach or a person who is not you, what goes into your decision making about what to do, and when. 

But as a person with mental health challenges, I also know that sometimes I'm tired and I need downtime, and sometimes, I'm avoiding things. 

So here is my methodology for identifying, interrogating, and working with avoidance. Your mileage may vary, obviously, but I've found this is a good system to check in with myself.

Am I avoiding things?

I started to compile a list of things that I do when I'm avoiding things, so that I had a mental awareness of which activities sometimes, or often, or always, were avoidant:

Sometimes avoidant:

Cleaning, cooking, running errands, tasks that are due eventually but not now, "fun" work

Often avoidant:

Reorganizing my office, "research" not tied to an active project, "surfing" websites

(Almost) always avoidant:

Netflix. 

So it's usually about the balance - one or two sometimes avoidant things aren't usually an issue; three or four days of only those activities can be. 

What's going on?

Next step, interrogate (gently) the issue! These are good journalling questions that I use:

• Do I feel better or worse at the end of the day of work?

• What project, milestone, or task do I feel most blocked in?

• What project, milestone, or task feels the most undersupported right now?

• Have I been cutting out activities to work on the blocked thing? (skipping workouts, etc)

• What is the next step for the blocked thing?

• What are some alternate activities that are not avoidant but aren't the blocked thing that I can work on if I need to?

Everyone's line between avoidance and something else is different, and it can also shift. So it can take some time to tell the difference, and take even more time to develop an action plan that isn't self-punishment but also moves you out of avoidance if you need it.

Working with avoidance

Here are my general rules for working with avoidance - I'm not perfect about them all the time, but they do give me a good framework and places to troubleshoot.

1. Evaluate regulary - whether that's the end of the day, every other day, or at another interval - so that you can see when projects fall off track and address it.

2. Don't shame - just adjust. No one needs to add blame and guilt into already sticky situations.

3. When in doubt, move. Change locations, change chairs, change tasks - moving in any direction can often have ripple effects.

4. Self care as a baseline non-negotiable helps keep the rest up, so that avoidance is easier to see. If you're collapsing out of pure exhaustion regularly, it can help to address that first, so that you have a more clear baseline state.

5. Identify your absolute no-go activities. I have an "anything but Netflix" mode - I can literally do anything I want, from working out to cleaning to fun admin work - as long as I don't watch Netflix. This helps me with the movement piece, and often a few wins in other areas gives me the confidence to show up for the blocked thing.

6. Reward frequently, heartily, and with joy. If I make progress on a sticky thing, I basically throw myself a parade. The more I associate working on hard things with pleasure, the better I feel.