working with avoidance
One of the hardest things I've found when coaching individual clients, and giving feedback in the community, is how to:
help people get out of avoidant patterns WITHOUT shaming them or making rest seem like a negative outcome.
Because look - sometimes you need a day off. Sometimes you need to only work two hours a day. Sometimes, I have no idea, as a coach or a person who is not you, what goes into your decision making about what to do, and when.
But as a person with mental health challenges, I also know that sometimes I'm tired and I need downtime, and sometimes, I'm avoiding things.
So here is my methodology for identifying, interrogating, and working with avoidance. Your mileage may vary, obviously, but I've found this is a good system to check in with myself.
Am I avoiding things?
I started to compile a list of things that I do when I'm avoiding things, so that I had a mental awareness of which activities sometimes, or often, or always, were avoidant:
Sometimes avoidant:
Cleaning, cooking, running errands, tasks that are due eventually but not now, "fun" work
Often avoidant:
Reorganizing my office, "research" not tied to an active project, "surfing" websites
(Almost) always avoidant:
Netflix.
So it's usually about the balance - one or two sometimes avoidant things aren't usually an issue; three or four days of only those activities can be.
What's going on?
Next step, interrogate (gently) the issue! These are good journalling questions that I use:
Do I feel better or worse at the end of the day of work?
What project, milestone, or task do I feel most blocked in?
What project, milestone, or task feels the most undersupported right now?
Have I been cutting out activities to work on the blocked thing? (skipping workouts, etc)
What is the next step for the blocked thing?
What are some alternate activities that are not avoidant but aren't the blocked thing that I can work on if I need to?
Everyone's line between avoidance and something else is different, and it can also shift. So it can take some time to tell the difference, and take even more time to develop an action plan that isn't self-punishment but also moves you out of avoidance if you need it.
Working with avoidance
Here are my general rules for working with avoidance - I'm not perfect about them all the time, but they do give me a good framework and places to troubleshoot.
Evaluate regulary - whether that's the end of the day, every other day, or at another interval - so that you can see when projects fall off track and address it.
Don't shame - just adjust. No one needs to add blame and guilt into already sticky situations.
When in doubt, move. Change locations, change chairs, change tasks - moving in any direction can often have ripple effects.
Self care as a baseline non-negotiable helps keep the rest up, so that avoidance is easier to see. If you're collapsing out of pure exhaustion regularly, it can help to address that first, so that you have a more clear baseline state.
Identify your absolute no-go activities. I have an "anything but Netflix" mode - I can literally do anything I want, from working out to cleaning to fun admin work - as long as I don't watch Netflix. This helps me with the movement piece, and often a few wins in other areas gives me the confidence to show up for the blocked thing.
Reward frequently, heartily, and with joy. If I make progress on a sticky thing, I basically throw myself a parade. The more I associate working on hard things with pleasure, the better I feel.
the dance between accountability and compassion
Sometimes, I get in my own head. Life happens to me, like it happens to all of us. I had a bit of a slow start to this year. And all I could think about was how I didn't have the time for any of the hard stuff because it was the new year and I had to start working on my new year goals. If I didn't get a good start in January, I'd be off all year and if I didn't hold myself accountable, no one else was going to. I was so worried that if I took care of myself and showed myself some compassion for what were pretty understandable feelings, I would fall into a pattern of only ever excusing myself out of important things. I wouldn't do anything because I cut myself too much slack.
Many of my clients struggle with this same thing, and in fact, it could be part of the human condition:
"If I take the day off to heal from being sick, what if I never get back to work?"
"If I let myself extend this deadline, what will stop me from extending all my other deadlines until deadlines have no meaning to me?"
"If I don't hold myself to my high standard all the time, I will permanently lower my standards and that will be a disaster."
One of my favorite Instagram Follows - Lisa Olivera - is a therapist and last week, she posted a bunch of really interesting prompts showing how self-compassion and accountability can, in her words, dance together. As she says, "Offering ourselves compassion while also being willing to take care of ourselves through being accountable to our well-being and our needs is a really nourishing way of reparenting, caring for, and also getting shit done." Here are some of my favorite examples she points to:
Self-compassion: It makes so much sense why this is so challenging for me.
Accountability: What next step feels in my reach to make it a little bit easier in this moment?
Self-compassion: It's okay to need a break sometimes. It's okay to need rest and time off/time out.
Accountability: When I feel ready, what would feel supportive in getting started again?
Self-compassion: It's understandable that I forget to use my self-soothing (Katy note: and also work, productivity, and planning!) tools at times.
Accountability: Is there anything that would make them more accessible to me when I need them?
We can realize that we're human, and offer ourselves some understanding and compassion for that AND also be looking for ways to support ourselves. We can have off days and not beat ourselves up for that AND also look at what caused those days and what might feel more supportive next time. We can take a break when we need it AND commit to checking in with ourselves about when we're ready to work again.
The point is that the shame and the guilt and the pain and the fear that we add to the situation doesn't usually support us. It adds sticky feelings to the hard stuff we're already going through. What if we tried to be accountable to our goals, our values, ourselves AND understood that we wil necessarily do that in a human way because we are humans?
We've all got this - not in spite of the fact that we're human, but because of it.
commitments over deadlines: getting out of the "i'll just do it next week" guilt trap
"Self imposed deadlines never work because I know myself and I am a liar!" is something a client said to me today (after having seen it on Twitter or Tumblr or something) and I laughed and cried because:
wow, the truth of that
and
wow, the truth of that.
This is not a post asking you to abandon deadlines, self imposed or otherwise. You need them sometimes. They most importantly put temporal boundaries on projects - and if you're someone who likes to tinker in the sandbox until the last second before you have to leave the park, this is an important step. With so many things, there is no clear or obvious done point - so we have to create one with a deadline.
But! If you are stuck in a cycle of:
feel overwhelmed about tasks on your plate now and tasks that are coming
wildly guess at a deadline that you (or your anxiety self) feels like is reasonable, or at the least, will make you feel like a human being who does things and not a sentient trash pile who happens to be in grad school
work at that deadline for a minute
realize that for whatever reason it isn't happening
give up
or set new, farther deadline - say, next Friday!
repeat
then it might be time to try something new. Because if you set a bunch of deadlines, and then don't hit them, and then keep setting deadlines, eventually you reinforce the idea to yourself that time boundaries don't matter unless someone else gets really mad at you for missing them, or unless you have severe consequences for missing it. And that's a tough way to live.
So instead, try something new: try aiming for a commitment like:
working for one hour every week day on this project
one pom of freewriting when you get to your desk for the day
picking three things from your to do list and working on any of those before you start something else
accountability posts four out of five days next week (*wink*)
If putting more and more pressure to get to done isn't work, try adding some focus on the process. If you work for an hour on a project every day, it might not be done on Friday, but it will be some place new. If you commit to doing one of your scary three things first, you might just get the momentum to keep going. But focusing on what you'll do regularly, rather than the amount of time you have left to do something, you build the habits that make the deadlines happen. A deadline of this Friday doesn't magically build you a writing practice - it just puts some pressure on. So try the practice first, and then add the pressure.
accountability doesn't mean always doing what you say you will
When I say "hold yourself accountable" - what do you think of? Do you imagine a system of unyielding deadlines wherein you must always deliver by that date or no one can trust you? Is it that every word you say becomes a contract that you must abide by, no matter what the situation?
That's certainly what my (recovering perfectionist) brain often imagines. But, this has been an excellent season to relearn that accountability is actually much more generous than that. Dictionaries define it as "expected or required to justify decisions." To be accountable is to answer for the decisions you made - not to deliver flawlessly, but to be able to explain the whys and hows of what happened.
Say for example, and this is for sure a completely made up example and not something that happened to me recently *wink*, you sat down to work on a project, and instead you got a notification that you needed to update your operating system. So you pressed update, and walked away while it ran, and before you knew it, it was four hours later, and you had gotten a solid nap in, and made some really delicious soup, but also you did not do that project. You feel bad about it. People were waiting on it, and those people cannot eat your soup or benefit from your nap.
This person, who is definitely not me, could just keep avoiding the project, or work really hard on it and ignore all the other things that also need to be done and are time sensitive, and get really behind on everything else, or take another nap to avoid thinking about anything. And in a really punitive way of thinking about "accountability", all of those fit because they are some way of avoiding, overcompensating, or punishing oneself for not doing something when you said you were going to do it.
But in a more generous model of accountability, it's about saying:
What happened? I walked away, got distracted, got wrapped up in other things, and crashed because I am really easily distractable, and tired right now.
What decisions did you make? What are the consequences? I made the call to update the computer, and then everything else sort of flowed from there - not nefarious or even consciously procrastinating! But the consequences are now that I'm behind.
What needs to change on a system level? Nothing systemic, really - a perhaps avoidable but also understandable sequence of events. I could get better about setting phone reminders when I walk away from my desk, and maybe prioritize some sleep.
Who needs to know about the changes? Should email that person who is waiting on the project, let them know what happened ("I'm sorry, this fell off my plate and I won't be able to get it done by x - if I get it to you by y, will that overly complicate the timeline. If it does, I can prioritize it and have it by z, just let me know. Thanks for understanding - there's a lot to juggle right now."
What, if anything, do you need to implement moving forward so that the new plan is viable? I might want to make a reminder to check in at the end of the day - if other things are going to be delayed, an earlier heads up will probably be better.
It's a dance between self-compassion and accountability , I can both understand what happened and also make changes to not repeat patterns I don't want to repeat. But accountability doesn't mean "I have to always deliver things exactly when I say I will" - it just means that I am responsible for the decisions I make, communicating when things need to be communicated, and making changes when things need to be changed. It's not an end-state - this isn't a "I use pom timers and now I'm always accountable to everyone all the time!" thing. This is an evolving practice - building in enough places to be self-reflective, and practing enough self-compassion so that we can learn from ourselves without it being a punishment-based thing.
A list of things to do when you don't want to write.
Change locations.
Open up a new document and write in that.
Try writing longhand on a piece of paper.
Reread what you have and annotate it.
Do a chore you've been putting off.
Brainstorm titles.
Format citations.
Reread part of the text that inspired your thinking.
Send a paragraph to a friend to get their quick take.
Set a timer for 10 minutes and write an impassioned essay about how much you hate writing. Then try again.
Imagine how you would explain an idea from your work to your parents, or to your students, or to an alien new to the planet.
Answer the question: who needs what you are writing?
Writing is hard, and it is easy to wait until you feel inspired to write. But, if you can get in the habit of writing when you say you will, no matter how you feel about it, you can begin to test the hypothesis that you need to be inspired to write. It doesn't have to be pretty. It doesn't have to be new words on the page every time. It doesn't have to go in the final draft. But endeavoring to keep your appointments for writing with yourself is a habit worth building.
Making the most of the middle.
There is a natural excitement to the start of something new - a chance to do things differently, the hope and promise of a fresh start. And usually, by the end of a project, the excitement of the finish line can carry you through, even if you're tired. But how do you keep up your stamina in the middle? How do you push through the weeks or months when you just have to show up and do the work and there isn't anything structural to charge you up? Here are a few ideas about how to make the most of the middle of a project:
Add in something exciting: If you hit a five day streak of consistent work on your project - it's reward time! 20 day streak? Something bigger! Make your progress visible - put your word count on a post it that you can see, or fill in a sticker chart for every pom you finish! But celebrate the in between time with some extra festivity because if you don't make an explicit effort, nothing about the process will celebrate for you!
Build in accountability for the long stretches between submissions: Send your advisor an update weekly or biweekly so that your progress is communicated to everyone. Join a writing group and exchange early drafts with one another. But if your tendency is to hide out until something is due, building in some extra visibility can help you stay on track and work at a more consistent pace over longer stretches of time.
Work with your writing process or workflow, rather than against it: Do you need a lot of drafts (I do!) or do you like having lots of deadlines to structure your time? Work those things into your timetable - how long do you want to be revising? How much time do you need to do final proofreading? Will it help to schedule a week of slush time just in case life happens? Figure out what your workflow is, or what you need, and then work around that, rather than pretending that you don't need many drafts when you do, or that one deadline is enough when it isn't.
Figure out what you need to do to keep up the pace: If you can't be sustainable with your work habits in the middle of the project, away from the stress of deadlines, when can you? If you're likely to skip over things like movement, sleep, hobbies, or social time, schedule them in! Pay for an exercise class so you will feel like you're wasting money if you don't go. Make plans with friends and loved ones so you have accountability around leaving the house. Set regular work hours and keep to them! But if you can work through the middle without burning out, you're all the more likely to figure out how to push at the finish line without destroying yourself.
Grad school, and later academic, life is a lot about making yourself a structure to contain the work because it often isn't given to us. What do you need to thrive? What do you need to feel sustained and energized in the middle of work when you need it most? There's no office culture to tell you when to come into the office, or when to be on campus, or how to take breaks, so you have to empower yourself to create that culture. But if you take the time to do it, it makes the daily practice of working easier, and that makes the middle less of a slog and more of a routine!