Reaching out to someone who is going through tough stuff
We all have different ways of presenting ourselves, and I tend to let out more of my dark stuff on Instagram. I don't know if it's the pictures, or the longer captions, or what, but I share more about my fears, my failures, my stress, my anxiety, my depression, and my darkness there. I know that's a really compelling pitch to follow me, but it's important context for what happened to me yesterday. A friend saw a few of my posts, and sent me these messages:
Your IG seems to be telling me you are stressed/depressed & scared☹️
Hope all is well and it is just the stress of daily life piling up.
And despite my appreciation for her reaching out, I still had a few minutes of scream-rage before I could bring myself to respond.
To be clear, this is a person who I believe 100% has my best interests at heart, and was reaching out from a place of concern. But as someone receiving that message, I heard:
Please reassure me that you're fine. Seems scary, whatever is going on with you. Everyone has stress!
And it got me thinking about how hard it is to express concern for someone who is going through the hard stuff, whatever that hard stuff might be. I know that I absolutely avoid reaching out to people who I learn are struggling in a variety of ways because I don't know what to say and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I worry about not wanting to remind people of what they're going through, or that they might not think we're close enough to discuss something like that, or that it is too late to say something. So, in the interest of making hard stuff easier to do, and honoring the fact that real life (and all its joys and struggles) do not stop during grad school (or when you get your degree!), here are some guidelines for how to reach out if you think someone might be going through it.
REACH OUT IN A WAY THAT RESPECTS THAT PERSON'S PRIVACY
I always, always prefer that people who reach out to me about an emotional thing do so in a way that gives me some space to respond in my own time. In other words, please don't send your condolences to your colleague as you pass them in the shared department hallway. Sometimes seeing someone in person can spark you to remember to reach out, but do your best to curb that impulse to "check off" the task on the fly and send a message in a different channel. If you are going to reach out in person (during a meeting with your advisor, or coffee with a colleague) be prepared to step away for a minute to give them space if emotions are running high (and they request it/seem like they would like it.) Unless that person leads with the situation conversationally, saving your condolences/concerns for the end of the "business" of the meeting can help that person feel more safe.
"HOPE ALL IS WELL" OR "HOPE YOU'RE DOING ALRIGHT" OR "HOPE THINGS ARE LOOKING UP" CAN BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE
It is perfectly natural to hope that things are going well, or better, for a person who is struggling. I encourage you, however, to keep these hopes to yourself because there are only two responses to that sentiment:
"Things are better/fine/okay, thank you" - While this could be true, this could also be a lie. The phrasing of the sentiment doesn't really leave any other option but agreeing with the proposed status.
"THINGS ARE NOT FINE THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF THE CONTINUED/ACCELERATED RATE OF TERRIBLENESS" - In case the person is not okay, or things are not improving, you could be met with rage, or sadness, or any other negative emotion because the person not only isn't in the positive state you hope (wish?) they were in, they have to counteract your well-intentioned wishes to the contrary.
Better ways to phrase that same sentiment: "You're in my thoughts," "Thinking of you," "Let me know if you'd ever like to talk," "I'm here if you need anything," or "[Situation] sucks. I'm sorry."
CHOOSE EMPATHY OVER SYMPATHY
This video, by Dr. Brene Brown, nails the distinction between empathy and sympathy. Empathy, she says, "is feeling with people." What makes something hard better is connection.
The idea of avoiding "at least" responses really resonates with me. Saying "at least...[other terrible outcome]" minimizes the pain of the actual situation, thereby invalidating it. I find that a blanket, empathetic response to any kind of terrible news shared with you is:
THAT SUCKS. I AM SORRY. OR THAT REALLY SUCKS, I AM SO SORRY.
For other good language, or should you want to send a card to someone who is going through it, may I recommend Emily McDowell's Empathy Cards? I have sent and received these, and they're perfectly balanced between not sappy or saccharine and genuinely heartfelt. She's also written a book, with Dr. Kesley Crowe (PhD from Cal Berkley #withaPhD) about empathy and how to talk to someone that's going through it that is funny, sensitive, action-oriented and useful.
There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love By Kelsey Crowe, Emily McDowell
OTHER THINGS THAT HELP
In no particular order, here are other things to try/do/say/remember when you're reaching out:
Regular standing plans can help someone going through a long term struggle. Regular work dates at a coffee shop were sometimes the only reason I connected with friends during down periods in my life. Standing appointments to talk on Skype or GChat that I didn't have to think about, or ask for, also helped me be less isolated without having to make plans every time.
Include the "You don't have to respond now, or ever" disclaimer. I have been known to not open up text messages, so that they would still show as unread. If they were still "unread," I wouldn't feel obligated to respond to them, even when they were perfectly kind messages! Sometimes responding to messages feels incredibly scary and vulnerable, so I always appreciate it when people include that they aren't expecting a response, or would be fine with a random emoji chain (my love language.) Taking the pressure off to respond can help the act of reaching out feel more like a point of connection rather than an obligation to interact.
If you're going to do something nice (bring food, drop off books, etc) build in an escape mechanism. Visits, even when they're doing a helpful thing, can turn into hosting duties quickly so I always like to have an "appointment" I desperately need to get to. That way, no one feels obligated to talk, offer me food or drink, or entertain me simply because I was in their space. If they want to reach out or spend time, yay, but if not, then I was ready for that.
which brings me to...
THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF REACHING OUT
The other person's reaction to you reaching out is not about you. For example, my adverse reaction to my friend's totally benign, if poorly worded, check in text has everything to do with my own feelings of guilt and shame about my anxiety/depression, and very little to do with who she is as a person, the state of our friendship, etc. It could have absolutely been worded better (see above) but the impulse to connect is genuine and I (eventually) talked myself down and remembered that.
We've all reached out to people, probably, and had our advances rebuffed, our texts unanswered, our plans dodged. The truth is that it is hard to be in pain, it is hard to go through tough stuff, and sometimes, even the most well-intentioned attempts to connect aren't what's needed at the time. What is important is letting people know that you care, and will be open to whatever they need, whenever they need it, on their timeline and not theres. That's empathy - that's connection - and that's what helps people.
Colleagues and friends in grad school
I love, love, love to have people over for dinner. I love to cook, I love to bake, I love to show off my cats. Before I had even moved to Ann Arbor for my PhD program, I had daydreamed about the dinner parties I would throw, the theme dinner & movie nights, the baked goods I would bring in to seminar. My program was small (accepting about two students a year) and I desperately wanted to be part of that group as a family, a network of support, a wacky group of supportive friends.
And I was! But, I learned several crucial lessons in my first years of graduate school about how to cultivate colleagues as well as friends, and respecting the difference between the groups. And while I have gained several lifelong friends from my time in graduate school, I have also gained even more great colleagues. Both have their place.
A few caveats: colleagues and friends can be separate categories, but they can also be two different roles that a person plays in different settings. This is not a hierarchy - friends aren't better, just different. I've found these patterns to be true in both my MA and PhD programs, and have heard from many in other states/programs/disciplines that these hold true.
YOUR COLLEAGUES ARE COWORKERS
One of the helpful things about living with a non-academic partner was having constant access to other models of coworker relationships. For instance, when my husband is ill and cannot make it to work, or needs to give a heads up that he will not make a deadline, he does not send an overly detailed email with all of his diagnoses, and symptoms in order to justify himself. He simply says, "I'm not feeling well, I won't be in today." If the situation becomes more severe, he might give more information to his supervisor, but only so that he can get more support.
This was a revolutionary idea for me. I was giving out WAY too much personal information to anyone and everyone in my department because I felt that I had to justify why I looked tired/needed to leave campus early/couldn't make that talk/etc etc. No one ever used that information against me, or was ever unkind, but they also didn't need to know that level of detail.
You also do not need to socialize with your colleagues all of the time. This is another place where it was useful to have another model to compare against. After a few months of being on campus all time time, working in my shared graduate student space, and socializing with my fellow grad students often, I started to feel claustrophobic. But I also didn't want to "miss out" on any great bonding opportunities, or appear aloof.
So I shifted to the mindset of collegial socializing - I made a huge effort to go to department sanctioned events (talks, receptions, recruitment events, holiday parties) and to host more informal gatherings at my house (where I picked the time and got to pick the snacks too!) but let myself off the hook for not working on campus or in the shared spaces, or missing out on some of the other more informal events. I was still present and active, but strategically so. This helped me get some space and actually enjoy the company of my colleagues, mostly because I wasn't with them 40+ hours a week!
On a more practical note, the colleague mindset helped me navigate some of the complicated waters around alcohol consumption at events. I love a free glass of wine as much as the next person, but constantly reminding myself that I was socializing as a colleague helped me keep some good boundaries and prevent some uncomfortable situations.
TREAT YOUR FRIENDS LIKE FRIENDS
Lucky enough to meet people in your program/university that you consider friends? There are also some things to keep in mind for treating those people as human friends, and not just "connections that might be valuable for networking one day."
Lean into your non-grad school related shared interests. Some of my deepest friendships with grad school compatriots came because we bonded over a shared love of roller coasters, British boy bands, board games, the Step Up film franchise, or Pokemon Go. Having something else to talk about besides the grad school experience can help you create some space between your "work" life and "real life" friendship.
Ask about family/personal lives, and then follow-up! I was hugely touched when friends asked questions about my parents, my brother, or my extended family, or came with me to visit them, or asked questions about my cats. In an academic culture that doesn't always recognize other facets of our lives as important (or as important as "the work") it was great to feel "seen" by my friends in all my complex glory.
Seek friends out that are not in your immediate department. Some of my closest graduate school friends were in completely different programs than me - they were in the graduate experience, so they "got it," but we weren't directly competing for fellowships, and advisor attention.
And if your friends are also in your professional networks, realize you may have to shift modes when in professional settings. Respecting that some information was told to you as a friend, and not as a colleague, has kept me from divulging personal information to others, even if it was told to me freely. I also make an effort to catch up with those I don't see as often when at professional events - I can always see and talk to my friends, so connecting with others helps me break out of my shell and expand that network without relying on my "safe" relationships.
IN SHORT, TREAT EVERYONE WITH RESPECT AND KINDNESS, AND INVEST IN RELATIONSHIPS MINDFULLY.
My rule for on-campus interactions was that I needed to be connected enough with everyone in my department so that I could have lunch with them and not have it be awkward. For me, this meant asking regularly about their scholarly interests, knowing a bit about them personally, and making efforts to stay connected. But it also meant that I didn't have to be a completely open book to everyone in the department simply because we were in the same program. Knowing and respecting the difference between colleague and friend has served me well, and hopefully will for you!