what if there was no virtuous way to work?
"I got it done, and it went really well, but I was definitely working up until the last minute"
"I hate that I was rushing, but I guess I did finish it!"
"Yeah, this went really well, but next time, I want to be done at least a week before."
Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating that everyone stop pushing before deadlines, or that there's anything noble about staying up all night! What I'm saying is:
There is no one way of working that is inherently "good" or "correct" or "desirable", just as there is no "bad" way of working. There's just working, and what it does for you, and your life.
So for years and years, I have felt guilty that I write mostly on deadlines. I will have a course, or a blog post, or something that's due, and I will get it done in time, but if I have three weeks to write it, I will start it ....closer to the deadline, and not the instant it is on my to do list. So I'll get it done, and it will go well, and I'll like it, and people will like it, and I can't be 100% happy with that, just because I didn't "spread it out".
Every accomplishment came with a "but next time" clause: this was great, but next time I'll start earlier; this worked well and I'm proud, but also I wish I wasn't like this.
And as I got to know myself and my work habits better, I realized that a lot of my guilt and shame around some of my working habits were because I believed that I was getting the results, but I wasn't doing it the right way, or the good way. Good people start their work early! Good students study ahead of time and never cram! The right way to work is a little bit every day and have lots of time before the deadline! So no matter what the data said, I felt like I could always do better because I wasn't doing it the right way.
Now, sometimes, I cut it *very* close to the deadline. And it makes me stress, and I lose sleep, and I crash afterwards, and I'm a total crank to everyone around me. And that is a very good reason to try and start a little earlier! But "because good people always finish ahead of time" is a less good reason that invites a lot more guilt into my life.
And as I work with my own brain, and neurodiverse clients, and just the people of the world, I realize that we have a lot of shame around not doing things the "right way". So someone could be working really well, and really efficiently, prepping the two hours before a class meets, but they'll feel bad about it (despite the evidence!) because they're rushing. Or they'll take all the distractions out of a room because that's what "focus" feels like, when in fact they get the best work and thinking done while old episodes of The Great British Bake Off play in the background. Sometimes, the "good way" just doesn't work for you, and you carry this idea that even though your way is working in all the ways that count, it still isn't right.
So, I've gotten better at asking myself a few questions to get at the heart of what I want to change, and more importantly, why I want to change them. These questions can help you, too, as you do monthly reflections, or end of semester reflections, or any other kind of reflection you might want to do <3 As always, take what's useful and leave the rest!
What really worked about this (process, project, outcome)?
What didn't work as well?
How do you know it didn't work as well? What are you noticing, measuring, or noting?
What data do you have that points in a different direction, that things are working well?
What do you think would be a different or alternate way of attempting this, or a similar, task?
What do you think the advantages of the alternate way would be?
Why do you think those are advantages?
How will you know if the new way is doing what you want it to?
maybe you don't need a restart
new month new energy!
new semester reset!
restart everything - it’s a new season and it’s time for a clean start.
this kind of thinking is a siren call. it beckons us from the rocks - it seems like a way out of the fog! a way through what feels hard and ineffective and challenging into something clearer, more in control.
but think about the language. if you start over, if you restart, if you reset, you go back to the beginning. you start from square one. you reconsider everything. nothing is off the table. you’re trying something new, you’re a beginner, you’re rebuilding because what you were doing wasn’t working.
we often want a reset so we don’t have to do too much digging into what wasn’t working. if you just say “start over”, you don’t have to really sit with what happened before, you just have to focus on what is coming next. you get to put all your energy into the new system that you’re trying, you flipped the page, and now it’s fresh and new and hopeful.
of course we want that! of course that feels good! who wouldn’t sacrifice some feeling of mastery, who wouldn’t retell the story to have all that fresh, new year new person energy.
but if we constantly reset, if we restart frequently, we end up repeating a lot. if you throw out all your progress because you have a better plan, the last plan, now - then you never give yourself credit for what you’ve tried. you don’t recognize what has worked before, the skills you built along the way. even if you don’t literally throw work away, you do tell yourself that you have to start over in order to move forward. you have to do something drastic in order to unblock.
what if you thought about it as a recommitting instead?
you’re not restarting your writing practice, you’re recommitting to it. you’re not resetting your meditation habit, you’re recommitting to it. you’re not starting from ground zero with your scheduling, you’re recommitting to rules, like a hard off time, or weekends with family.
give yourself some credit - you’re making a change, you might be making some changes or trying something new, but it’s part of the life cycle. you don’t have to restart because you failed, but you’re recommitting because things have changed, you have changed, and you need to try something different, or new.
so if you’re feeling that itch to make some big moves, start some new routines, try something you haven’t tried, or haven’t tried in a while - try talking about it to yourself as a recommitment. you’re recommitting to your goal of finishing, to your routines that worked in times like this, you’re recommitting to the scholar and human that shows up, focused and ready, as well as rested and grounded.
it might look exactly the same, but if you call it a restart, you send yourself backwards in order to move forward.
it you call it a recommitment, you get to make a change, get that fresh energy, but you don’t have to go backward to do it. you can keep moving forward.