The danger zone.
Anyone who has a child, or who has ever babysat, knows the look. It's the look someone gets when they're tired, or hungry, and you have only a few minutes to intervene and provide the missing element before a real nasty tantrum sits in. Sometimes you catch it in time, and sometimes you don't, but over time, you come to figure out the warning signs, and the conditions under which those tantrums happen. Then, you're a few steps closer to figuring out how to avoid them all together.
Now, the brain of a PhD student (or any adult, really!) is not that much farther along the evolutionary track than your average toddler. We might have more tools to describe how we're doing, and more resources to meet our own needs, but we all melt down sometimes. What if you spent some time in the next few weeks thinking through what your "tantrums" look like, what your warning signs are, how you can prevent them systematically, and how you address them in the moment?
For me, my tantrums are often, but not always, caused by fatigue/exhaustion/brain fog. I have a chronic illness, so those are sometimes symptoms of my disease, sometimes they're symptoms of the fact that I stayed up late watching Netflix. A typical tantrum progression looks like this:
Notice that I'm tired/foggy, apply coffee
Feel like a god for 15 minutes, decide that I can overcome my body with the force of my mind (and coffee)
Skip lunch/snack because coffee suppresses my appetite and I'm in the zone, and then eat quickly when it's too late, or eat things that don't make me feel great.
Stare at computer while it slides out of focus, become increasingly irritated (not with myself, but with the cruel universe that invented the idea of computers, or the concept of Wednesdays)
Look up at the clock, realize that three hours have passed, confirm that in fact, 10-15% of lots of tasks are finished, and no single task has been checked off.
Meltdown
So now, I try and pay attention to those warning signs, and intervene at any of those steps. For example, here are those steps again, with the "corrective actions":
Notice that I'm tired/foggy, apply coffee
Try hot water! Or a lower caffeine solution.
If coffee is a must, alternate coffees with water. Cap at 2.
Schedule a hard cut off time for the day, a nap, or plan for time off later if today's schedule doesn't allow for it.
Feel like a god for 15 minutes, decide that I can overcome my body with the force of my mind (and coffee)
Remind myself that I am not a god, make sure that I do not cancel plans to take care of myself
Skip lunch/snack because coffee suppresses my appetite and I'm in the zone, and then eat quickly when it's too late, or eat things that don't make me feel great.
Do not skip lunch! Make a list on post it note, not in kitchen, of possible foods and choose best options based on grocery/time/appetite restrictions.
Bring snacks up to office to eat during pom breaks.
Stare at computer while it slides out of focus, become increasingly irritated (not with myself, but with the cruel universe that invented the idea of computers, or the concept of Wednesdays)
Go for a walk.
Have a desk dance party.
Switch to lower brain activity tasks.
Look up at the clock, realize that three hours have passed, confirm that in fact, 10-15% of lots of tasks are finished, and no single task has been checked off.
Use pom timer to have natural places to reevaluate progress
Close tabs / programs with other tasks in them
Use extensions to block unhelpful websites to make it easier to stay on task
Meltdown
Apply self-compassion.
Change locations
Make a plan for tomorrow, or later that day.
So just like it's important to make a schedule that works for you, it's equally important to know your own danger zones, where the pressure to stick to the schedule might actually be causing more harm than good. You're just a curious, hungry, tired toddler under all that grad school regalia - it's okay to take care of yourself.
Did you make the most of [whatever is ending right now?]
Sometimes we reach the end of something (the year, the Thrive session, the term, the month, the project) and when we expect to feel accomplishment, we instead feel disappointment. It's hard to look back and see all the places where, if things had been different, we could have excelled, we could have made the most of something, we could have gone farther and faster than we did. We focus on all the opportunities we missed, and it does not feel good, especially if others are posting about how wonderful it feels to completed something.
I get it. I feel that way! A lot! When I sit down to do my end of month, end of quarter, and end of year reviews, I first see all the things I didn't finish. All the habits I tried to start, all the goals I didn't accomplish, all the ways I fell short. My perfectionism is well documented (here and here) and there is definitely always an element of setting expectations that aren't realistic. I set impossible goals and then beat myself up when I don't meet them, and when I try and consciously set realistic goals, I'm only moderately successful. Somewhere, deep down, I set these goals because I believe that I need the push, that I'm not at my potential yet, that I can (and should!) be better.
So I've learned to do the impossible: hold two contradictory truths in my head at the same time.
1) I, minute to minute, tried to make the best decisions I could regarding the conditions (physical and mental health, life circumstances, whatever) I was working with. I did my best with what I had.
2) There are some parts of my life that do not promote my best living and working conditions; there are still places where I can do better without sacrificing myself.
Or, put another way. I am proud of what I accomplish, and I can see ways where I can do better.
It is so hard to feel good about what you did do, while also not turning a blind eye to places where you can improve. It's hard to feel good about being partway. It's hard to feel good knowing that, actually, there is no real finish line. Life is always changing, we're always adjusting, but most importantly:
We are always growing.
So, when you approach your next period of evaluation, try and hold both views at once:
What went well? What do you feel proud of? What did you accomplish? Give yourself credit for what you did and what was going on when you did it.
What is your next step? What are one or two things you can work on to improve? What is one area that you would like to focus on growing, supporting, or starting?
That's how you grow without guilt. You feel good about what you're doing even while you see the path to follow next. You give yourself credit, you show yourself compassion, you still see where you can improve. Make a done list. Remember all the challenges you overcome that didn't make your planner or your goal planning sessions. Find other ways to measure progress. Write three things that you love about your work or your project or yourself. Make a list of everything you're grateful for until you're out of ideas. Find the good even in the growth.