6.6 if i'm invisible, you can't ask me about my draft
if you have ever:
ducked into a bathroom to avoid your advisor
gone days (or longer) avoiding your email in case someone asks you where your draft is
worked furiously through a weekend so no one noticed you didn't send that draft in on friday
this episode is for you. let's talk about why we go so hard into avoidance mode when writing is late, and why that often is the least helpful way to go about it. plus we talk about ways to soften that feeling, and things you can do intsead.
-
📍 Welcome to Grad School is Hard, But... A Thrive PhD podcast. I'm Dr. Katy Peplin and this is a show for everyone who's doing the hard work of being a human and a scholar.
This season is called Just at Me already, where I go through all of the different kinds of people that I run into and have been myself as a coach for academics. And we talk about how to shift that if you want to. I.
And make sure you check out the link in the show notes for my working more intentionally tool kit. Which is available for you totally for free. Now let's get into it
Close your eyes with me and imagine you told your advisor that you would have that draft to them by the end of the week, Friday at the latest, Friday arrives, and it's not done. So you think to yourself, ah, who's checking their email on Friday? Anyway, I'll just work this weekend. I'll get it all wrapped up.
Send it Monday morning. It'll be like nothing ever happened. And then you work over the weekend, you get closer, but it's still not done. And you think, yeah, Monday's like Tuesday and that cycle repeats Wednesday, Thursday. Then maybe you think, okay, well I'll have it to them by this Friday, and I'll just pretend that's the Friday that I mean, and eventually it keeps snowballing and snowballing until you are actively avoiding your advisor. Maybe you're just avoiding talking about your draft when you see them in the hallway, or maybe you're even avoiding looking at your inbox in case they're in there asking for the draft. I've even seen people hint, it's me not go into their department building.
They won't be seen on campus. They're hiding. They're sneaking around corners afraid that somebody will ask them about that draft that's overdue. If that's you this week is for you. I'm sure that almost everybody listening relates to some part of this dynamic where you say that you're gonna have something done, it doesn't quite get there, and then you just withdraw and withdraw and withdraw until you finish it, which creates this kind of double edge cycle where a.
You need the support more than ever because it's behind and the anxiety is ramping up and the stress is ramping up and it's getting harder and harder to finish it, and B, you're more and more ashamed of the fact that it's not done. So you pull even further and further away from maybe not even your advisor, but the other places that help you, your communities, your writing group, anywhere else.
It's a really tricky cycle. I get it because. That's me. That's a lot of us who wants to stand up and raise their hand and say, Hey, I have this thing. It's not done yet. I have this thing and I know you need it, but I haven't gotten to it. It almost doesn't matter if it's not done because life has been lifeing or if, because you're working really hard on it.
It's not done, and so you're withdrawing and you are more and more alone. The draft is more and more behind, and it's almost impossible to see yourself out of the bottom of that hole. I have some strategies for you. If this is you, maybe this is you in the future. Maybe this is you in the past. Maybe this is you right now, but the first is to communicate.
And I am gonna just straight up acknowledge right now that this is not the easiest thing to do. Nobody wants to send an email that says, Hey, this thing is late, or it's due, or, I know I was meant to send that to you, but that's part of what being a professional academic is. I had a beloved mentor who used to say, listen, the problem isn't being late, the problem is ghosting.
And I have taken that lesson so much to heart I've worked a lot of different jobs, whether that is for myself as an academic in teaching and learning centers and a bagel shop. I've worked a lot of places and things get overdue.
Things are late. It's a fact of life, especially right now when things are so hard, and you've got so many things to do, but the best way to head off that isolation. Cycle is to own up to it and communicate. I always recommend that people communicate when they know that the draft is gonna be late, where it's Wednesday and you said it was gonna be due Friday, and you just know that between now and Friday, there's no chance that it's getting finished.
You can send an email that says, Hey, I am not gonna have this draft done completely on Friday. Would you rather look at the part that's polished? On Friday like we agreed to, or wait until next week when more of it is finished. Or you could send an email that says, Hey, X, Y, and Z happened This, this draft is late.
I hope to get it to you by next Friday, but either way, I will reach out. These emails are tricky to send and I understand why nobody is rushing to put this podcast down and send that email. But the more that you can give people the information that they need, the better. If you've ever taught undergraduate students, you know that.
Yeah. Is it annoying when students don't have their essays submitted on time? Absolutely. But would you rather know if they're struggling so that you can, A, help support them, but B, schedule your time better so that you know, okay, I don't need to be waiting for this to grade. I can check back in with you in a week and grade the ones I already have.
It's about recognizing that you are in a community with your advisor, with your writing group, with anybody else that's waiting for your writing. There's often flexibility and you are entitled to that flexibility. The worst they can say is no, but the best they can say is yes, and then you can spend.
All of your energy getting that draft over the finish line and not half of your energy panicking that somebody will ask you about it before it's done. A pro level tip is that I often encourage my clients to send their advisors an email every week or every other week no matter what. A quick update email, this is what I've done, this is what I'm planning to do the next time, and this is where I'm stuck.
Those kind of emails are a great track record to kind of low state. They're a great thing to have in writing so that your advisor has evidence that you are moving along, even if you're not meeting with them regularly, or even if you haven't shown them any new writing in a while, and they help make it so that the update, the communication, the support isn't tied to the thing being done.
It is tied to a regular occurrence. In the calendar that arrives no matter what, so you're never going too long without being in communication.
Support works best when we're really stuck, and unfortunately that is some of the hardest times for us to ask for it, and I do wanna just acknowledge that maybe your advisor isn't the place to get that support. I know that for me, my advisor had very strict ideas about when and where they wanted to read my writing, and so I.
Ended up usually sending writing to anyone but my advisor. I sent it to my friends in my cohort. I sent it to people above and below me in the program. I sent it to people in my writing group. I got that writing support that I needed from other places, and I will be honest, it was easy to hide from them too when I was feeling bad about the fact that the writing wasn't done.
But their help moved me further faster when I asked for it. Than it ever did with me hiding and hoping that I would just be able to catch up and they wouldn't notice that I was behind. In any case, isolation is one of the biggest contributors that I see to people being stuck frozen, not advancing, not moving forward in the way that they want to.
You don't have to reach out to your advisor if you know that things are gonna be stuck. But if you reach out to someone, if you remember that you're not invisible and that people can help you, you often can unstick yourself and keep going. And just so that you know, everybody gets stuck. Everybody has drafts that are due and they miss that deadline.
Everybody has. Things that they wish were moving faster, things that they wish weren't so behind. The secret is learning how to communicate before or when you know it's due, getting the support that you need so that you can meet that second best deadline, which is whatever one you set after that. Thank you so much for listening and I can't wait to see you next week.
Bye.
📍 Thank you for listening to Grad School is Hard, but... You can find more information and resources in the show notes and at thrive-phd.com. Every month, I'll select one reviewer for a free 45 minute session with me. So please subscribe, rate, and review to help spread the word about the show. Thanks so much and I'll see you again soon!