get specific: figuring out what you need is so important
have you ever been completely drowning (metaphorically speaking), and someone comes in and asks “what do you need?”
did you want to punch that person in the face, or did it send you even deeper into the spiral?
i’ve been known to yell “IF I KNEW WHAT I NEEDED I’D GET IT FOR MYSELF” as i go back to laying on the floor (a slight exaggeration but only slight lol) because that question is really overwhelming. if i knew what i needed, i’d have more ideas about how to get it. i’d have more ideas about where to look. i’d have more ideas about what to ask for.
so, here are my patented steps for figuring out what support i need:
notice that i am actually needing support, or having a hard time, or struggling with something (this can be harder than it looks!)
take care of my nervous system - very hard for me to make a plan when my brain is at an 11!
dial in to what feels hard - “everything is hard” is a place to start, but “it’s hard to figure out when to stop reading and start writing” or “it’s hard to know what a first draft looks like because i’ve never seen one” or “it’s hard to know if my work is any good because all i have is my supervisor’s opinion and that’s not a super stable foundation for making career decisions” are all a little bit more specific. sometimes it helps to journal until you get underneath the initial "everything is hard response”.
see if there’s somewhere or something or someone that can help! maybe you ask your supervisor when they start writing during data collection, or at what point they start drafting during a research phase. maybe you ask to see a colleague’s first draft. maybe you show your work to more people in more places to get a wider sense of the reception. but specific problems are much easier to support than vague ones.
i use these steps on a daily basis. i loop back to the beginning all the time - because as i grow and change, i need support with different things. it has helped to decide that needing support isn’t a problem. i’m not wrong or broken because i need help sometimes, or even a lot of the time. it’s just part of learning to do new things, and learning to do new things is a huge part of human and phd life.
this is also part of being part of a community that values the wisdom and brilliance of others. this is the kind of community i cultivate in my spaces, the kind i created in my classrooms, and the kind i see popping up (in pockets) in scholars all the time. asking one another for support is a way of saying “i see your smartness, and i’d be honored if you shared a little bit with me, and promise to return the favor if i could ever do the same.”
how NOT to talk to grad students right now
over the last three and a half years, i’ve learned a lot of lessons about how to talk to and support people when they’re going through really hard things. it’s been a wonderful, eye-opening, hard exercise in the fact that most people don’t know how to support someone who is going through something hard. we aren’t taught how to do it, really - empathy is tricky and slippery. brene brown talks about it here - a video that i return to and send around often because i think it really nails the ways that empathy helps, and sympathy can be distancing.
it is no secret that everyone, to some extent, is having a hard time right now. there are the daily hardships, and then there are the bigger picture implications. it’s fair to say that everyone will be able to point to concrete, immediate, and long-lasting ways that the COVID-19 situation has impacted them.
but because i’m in the business of supporting grad students, a lot of what i’m reading and thinking about is how this will impact them. there are hiring freezes around the world, classes cancelled, work moved online with little support, incredibly murky job prospects, data collection halts, research impacts - the list goes on. and a lot of my work in the last few weeks has been undoing the well-intended (i hope) but unhelpful advice and coaching grad students are getting from everyone around them.
so i’ll outline a few of the common refrains i’m seeing, explain why they’re so frustrating, and then (because i’m not a monster) end with some suggestions for how to reframe and rephrase! of course - how we talk is just one part of this equation, but it is an important part.
unhelpful comments:
at least you have your research/books/some funding left/a few nibbles from the market
this will blow over in [a year, a few years] - just keep writing!
have you tried [setting a schedule, making a writing group, using a pom timer]?
i was on hiring committees/got a job in 2008; qualified candidates will always have opportunities
it’s also really hard to write a book at home and teach at home even WITH tenure
have you considered going into [any of the common alt-ac jobs, especially in academic spaces, which are all furloughed right now}?
higher ed has always been broken, this was always going to happen in some way or another
these are all, generally, unhelpful, because they:
try and find silver linings/redirect away from real loss and grief
make false equivalencies
minimize/ignore the structural stability and power differential between faculty and grad students
generalize about all loss without respecting the individual expereince
no one is saying that it’s easy to be a faculty member with tenure right now, or that there haven’t been losses in the market before. some of the suggestions about schedules and writing groups are ones that i myself am making! it isn’t that the advice is bad, it’s that the advice can’t be the first step. when you suggest alternatives, or insist, even implicitly, that people move into the problem solving phase, you set up your support as conditional. no one owes you proof they’ve considered alternatives in order to be sad.
grad students are smart people! i can confirm that there isn’t a grad student on earth right now that isn’t at least a little bit aware that suddenly, the entire game has changed. no matter what stage of study, from early coursework to just about to cross the finish line - every grad student is grappling with the reality that a return to “normal” is on the distant horizon, if there at all. their goals for research have changed. publication plans are shifted. the job market is hard to even think about. offers are being rescinded and universities are shutting down and an already precarious, oversaturated higher education landscape is only going to become more so. sure, starting a writing group might help in the short term to keep some structure and move projects forward, but that’s not all that students need from their advisors, supervisors, and mentors right now.
things you can say that are helpful as a person who works with grad students:
how are you doing?
this really sucks
i don’t even know what to say right now
this is really hard
what would be helpful right now?
do you want to strategize or brainstorm? it’s okay if you don’t
i might not fully understand what you’re going through, but you can count on my support
what can i do to support you?
when should we next touch base?
i’m overwhelmed right now, and will be less available than normal. but you can contact me during [x time frame] or get in touch with [other person] if you need something immediately.
i’m sorry if came off as condescending or gruff before. i really don’t know what to say, and was attempting to offer support.
things you can do that are helpful as a person who works with grad students:
validate validate validate! most people want to be seen and heard when they’re hurting - it’s much more important than being able to fix something that is probably unfixable
ask if people want suggestions or advice before offering them - many people do want to brainstorm, but asking first is always a good idea! sometimes people have some processing work to do before they’re ready to move on to the next step
try not to draw equivalencies - especially for grad students who are looking at a job market that changed so suddenly and horribly. you can have had a hard time on the market while also respecting that this is not the same market.
get clear about your own boundaries and how you’re taking care of yourself! this is a really stressful time for everyone. you might not have the same bandwidth to be on email all day, quickly turn around drafts, or meet regularly. but if you communicate when you will be available, and for what, ahead of time, then your students can have a chance to plan and work around your availability, rather than wondering if you’re okay or if it’s appropriate to reach out.
fight for grad student support if you can. there are so many groups of people in the higher ed space who are looking at an uncertain and scary future - faculty are of course not immune from raise freezes, furlough days, course reductions, or layoffs. but many of the spaces wehre grad student support is debated are completely closed to those students. be an advocate for your students in departmental meetings, with your deans, with your provost. even if the answer is “there’s nothing we can do”, the fact that you advocated for them means that there’s some record of the need, and that helps.
be available after the defense, if possible. many of the soon-to-be degree holders i work with are panicked that they’ll be far from campus, degree in hand, and no access to their supports as they try and navigate whatever the market becomes next. you of course are not single-handedly responsible for supporting every one of your alums, but an email check in, video catch up, or a renewed committment to writing letters goes a long way right now.
no one person can fix this on their own. no amount of zoom meetings or reading drafts in an hour and getting them back will guarantee grad students a job, or a market when this is over. a lot of people are going to be facing hardships of their own - which is why we all have to figure out what support we can offer without draining all of our own resources. this is going to change higher ed. this is going to define an entire generation of future scholars. believe your grad students when they say that this is really hard. know that their struggles don’t invalidate yours, but they are different, as those with less power and less stability always feel the impacts of global situations more acutely. grad students aren’t a monolith - this 100% exacerbates the insecurity felt by first generation and underrepresented scholars, those with less financial security, and those who have many responsibilities outside of their work.
empathy helps. meet people where they are. ask them what they need rather than assuming you know what will help. be prepared to think about the limits to your own resources, and how you can use them efficiently and effectively to support your students. no one gets this right from the jump - we all have to apologize when we hurt when we were trying to help, and try and do better once we know better. we do the best we can.
things that are helping me right now
in case you need to hear it:
i’ve been working from home for almost four years now and these have been some of the hardest weeks of my WFH career. of course they are. if this were just about “how to set up and efficiently and effectively work from home” then we would all just get dual monitors and set up our standing desks and make zoom backgrounds and that would be it.
but, i am finding a few things that are really helpful for me right now - not in the “here are 10 work from home tips” that your university PR team sends out kind of way, but in the “i’m a human and i’m in the world and i’m bouncing between trauma-response numbness, sheer panic, and bone-deep exhaustion” kind of way. hopefully there are a few useful things for you to experiment with!
keeping a really big bottle of water on my desk - i’m tired, everyone is tired, but i fell into a caffeine crash cycle early on and i’m still recovering. a big bottle of water on my desk makes it a little easier to balance that coffee with something a little easier on the adrenals.
jotting down a few ideas for lunch when i plan my day - feeding myself is not the most straightforward task in the best of times, but with my hunger response dulled because of stress (or on total overdrive), it’s been bananas. making a plan for a few things i could eat for lunch helps take some of the stress out of that decision and makes it less likely that i will just eat chips.
starting my day with a brain dump - morning pages have been a staple, on and off, of my morning routine for years, but they’re back in a big way right now. i get up, and i just type (sorry longhand fans, i am far more likely to do it if i can type!) and i just type until my brain feels a little emptier. it prevents me from spewing a bunch of that anxiety all over the other people in my life, and gives me a place to be not okay if i need it.
ending my day on purpose - i’m using this routine here to shut down my day on purpose and it’s a lifesaver. i am 100% more likely to put off getting started in the morning if my workspace is a mess, and this also allows me a litle bit of decompression time before i transition into the non work parts of my life.
ritualizing transitions - when all of your life is happening in the same space, it can be really hard for your body and mind to know where and when it is in time and space. so i’ve been trying to really make it clear when i’m switching from one mode to another. i use the same start up routine, i use the same shut down routine, and i try hard to take my lunch break away from my desk. i even change from my “work clothes” (yoga pants and a sweatshirt, maybe overalls if i’m feeling fancy, i’m not a monster) to my “comfy cozers” after dinner to make it really clear that i’m doing something different now. showering can also help mark transitions. you can also experiment with open and closing blinds, using playlists or types of music, or if you have a little space, working in different areas throughout the day.
checking in about social connection - i’m an introvert, so at first i thought that being home would be a dream come true. but then my calendar started filling up with tons of meetings, social zoom calls, text messages, family check ins, and i went for ten days without any real quiet recharge time. now i’m trying to be more conscious about how and when i schedule social time, such as it is, and making sure that i get enough sleep, and alone time, to charge up.
easing up on monthly and quarterly planning - i LOVE planning but right now, a week out is the farthest i can really go. too much is changing, and i was spending way too much time making two and three month plans only to have all the conditions change. i’m working on all the same milestones and goals, but i’ve let go of some of the due dates. instead, i’m using more of a progress report model; at the end of every day, and at the end of the week, i check in with all my open projects, review what i’ve done, and make plans for the next day or week. what’s important is the progress, not the deadline.
“what feels possible” as a grounding question - sometimes, i sit down at my desk and i can’t handle the idea of working. just can’t for one second stomach the idea of it. so the question i come back to, again and again is “what feels possible?” and then i really listen to myself for the answer. if it doesn’t feel possible to do what i set out to, then i try and get curious about what else feels like it’s within my grasp. sometimes it’s cleaning bathrooms, or making a meal planning list, or cleaning out my downloads folder. sometimes, it’s something on the list, just not the first thing. but instead of asking “why don’t you feel like doing this”, “what feels possible” makes me feel seen and validated AND opens up the possibility that there is something i feel like i can do, even if that thing is stardew valley.
The danger zone.
Anyone who has a child, or who has ever babysat, knows the look. It's the look someone gets when they're tired, or hungry, and you have only a few minutes to intervene and provide the missing element before a real nasty tantrum sits in. Sometimes you catch it in time, and sometimes you don't, but over time, you come to figure out the warning signs, and the conditions under which those tantrums happen. Then, you're a few steps closer to figuring out how to avoid them all together.
Now, the brain of a PhD student (or any adult, really!) is not that much farther along the evolutionary track than your average toddler. We might have more tools to describe how we're doing, and more resources to meet our own needs, but we all melt down sometimes. What if you spent some time in the next few weeks thinking through what your "tantrums" look like, what your warning signs are, how you can prevent them systematically, and how you address them in the moment?
For me, my tantrums are often, but not always, caused by fatigue/exhaustion/brain fog. I have a chronic illness, so those are sometimes symptoms of my disease, sometimes they're symptoms of the fact that I stayed up late watching Netflix. A typical tantrum progression looks like this:
Notice that I'm tired/foggy, apply coffee
Feel like a god for 15 minutes, decide that I can overcome my body with the force of my mind (and coffee)
Skip lunch/snack because coffee suppresses my appetite and I'm in the zone, and then eat quickly when it's too late, or eat things that don't make me feel great.
Stare at computer while it slides out of focus, become increasingly irritated (not with myself, but with the cruel universe that invented the idea of computers, or the concept of Wednesdays)
Look up at the clock, realize that three hours have passed, confirm that in fact, 10-15% of lots of tasks are finished, and no single task has been checked off.
Meltdown
So now, I try and pay attention to those warning signs, and intervene at any of those steps. For example, here are those steps again, with the "corrective actions":
Notice that I'm tired/foggy, apply coffee
Try hot water! Or a lower caffeine solution.
If coffee is a must, alternate coffees with water. Cap at 2.
Schedule a hard cut off time for the day, a nap, or plan for time off later if today's schedule doesn't allow for it.
Feel like a god for 15 minutes, decide that I can overcome my body with the force of my mind (and coffee)
Remind myself that I am not a god, make sure that I do not cancel plans to take care of myself
Skip lunch/snack because coffee suppresses my appetite and I'm in the zone, and then eat quickly when it's too late, or eat things that don't make me feel great.
Do not skip lunch! Make a list on post it note, not in kitchen, of possible foods and choose best options based on grocery/time/appetite restrictions.
Bring snacks up to office to eat during pom breaks.
Stare at computer while it slides out of focus, become increasingly irritated (not with myself, but with the cruel universe that invented the idea of computers, or the concept of Wednesdays)
Go for a walk.
Have a desk dance party.
Switch to lower brain activity tasks.
Look up at the clock, realize that three hours have passed, confirm that in fact, 10-15% of lots of tasks are finished, and no single task has been checked off.
Use pom timer to have natural places to reevaluate progress
Close tabs / programs with other tasks in them
Use extensions to block unhelpful websites to make it easier to stay on task
Meltdown
Apply self-compassion.
Change locations
Make a plan for tomorrow, or later that day.
So just like it's important to make a schedule that works for you, it's equally important to know your own danger zones, where the pressure to stick to the schedule might actually be causing more harm than good. You're just a curious, hungry, tired toddler under all that grad school regalia - it's okay to take care of yourself.
Did you make the most of [whatever is ending right now?]
Sometimes we reach the end of something (the year, the Thrive session, the term, the month, the project) and when we expect to feel accomplishment, we instead feel disappointment. It's hard to look back and see all the places where, if things had been different, we could have excelled, we could have made the most of something, we could have gone farther and faster than we did. We focus on all the opportunities we missed, and it does not feel good, especially if others are posting about how wonderful it feels to completed something.
I get it. I feel that way! A lot! When I sit down to do my end of month, end of quarter, and end of year reviews, I first see all the things I didn't finish. All the habits I tried to start, all the goals I didn't accomplish, all the ways I fell short. My perfectionism is well documented (here and here) and there is definitely always an element of setting expectations that aren't realistic. I set impossible goals and then beat myself up when I don't meet them, and when I try and consciously set realistic goals, I'm only moderately successful. Somewhere, deep down, I set these goals because I believe that I need the push, that I'm not at my potential yet, that I can (and should!) be better.
So I've learned to do the impossible: hold two contradictory truths in my head at the same time.
1) I, minute to minute, tried to make the best decisions I could regarding the conditions (physical and mental health, life circumstances, whatever) I was working with. I did my best with what I had.
2) There are some parts of my life that do not promote my best living and working conditions; there are still places where I can do better without sacrificing myself.
Or, put another way. I am proud of what I accomplish, and I can see ways where I can do better.
It is so hard to feel good about what you did do, while also not turning a blind eye to places where you can improve. It's hard to feel good about being partway. It's hard to feel good knowing that, actually, there is no real finish line. Life is always changing, we're always adjusting, but most importantly:
We are always growing.
So, when you approach your next period of evaluation, try and hold both views at once:
What went well? What do you feel proud of? What did you accomplish? Give yourself credit for what you did and what was going on when you did it.
What is your next step? What are one or two things you can work on to improve? What is one area that you would like to focus on growing, supporting, or starting?
That's how you grow without guilt. You feel good about what you're doing even while you see the path to follow next. You give yourself credit, you show yourself compassion, you still see where you can improve. Make a done list. Remember all the challenges you overcome that didn't make your planner or your goal planning sessions. Find other ways to measure progress. Write three things that you love about your work or your project or yourself. Make a list of everything you're grateful for until you're out of ideas. Find the good even in the growth.
So your advisor sucks. Now what?
One of the truthiest truths about grad student supervision is that very, very few people are explicitly trained in it. So faculty members get jobs, bring on students, and then....have no real sense of how to mentor a student other than how they themselves were mentored. So many students find themselves with a mentor that doesn't fit their needs. But once you realize that your advisor isn't what you need.......then what?
Step One. Accept that it isn't fair, and that it is a systemic issue. This is an important step because most graduate students I know working with supervisors that are not good fits internalize that on some level. They work harder to try and please an unplease-able critic. They hide their diverse career plans because they sense they won't be supported. They take advice they know doesn't fit their values or their life because it seems disrespectful or sneaky to ask for a second opinion. If your advisor only reads the work of the person in your lab who is "on deck" to graduate, that isn't a fair system - you all deserve feedback. If you worry about your funding disappearing if you reveal something about your personal life or future plans, that isn't fair - it doesn't have any real bearing on the work you're doing in the degree. These issues are pervasive, and they often have everything to do with how the supervisor understands their role, and little to do with any individual student. It isn't fair, it sucks, it actively hurts graduate students, and more than likely, you didn't do or say anything to cause the situation. (This isn't to put all the blame on individual advisors either - when you produce exponentially more PhDs than there are available tenure track jobs, it fundamentally changes the purpose of the degree, and mentorship has to change along with that, and few supervisors are trained in how to support students through a degree that looks nothing like they one they received. This is an academia-wide issue.)
Step Two. Identify what you need. So once you've accepted that your advisor isn't supporting you in all the ways you need to be supported, it is tempting to generalize: they're just a terrible advisor and there's nothing to do about it. But often, digging through to a more nuanced understanding can be really helpful. Maybe they're extremely thorough careful readers of your writing, but they don't really know how to support your career plans. Maybe they're incredibly supportive of your health and allowing you to build a flexible work schedule, but there is no real structure in place to make sure that you're on target to graduate when you want to. Dig in and figure out what areas really need support - your graduate school experience is complex, and needs to be supported in a lot of areas. The more you understand where you need the support, the easier it will be to find it.
Step Three. Empower yourself to get the help you need. It is so hard to say: this isn't working, and I need more help. But if you can get to a point where you want to do well in grad school and beyond MORE than you want to never need help, it becomes easier to ask for the support you need. Ultimately, unless your advisor is a magical unicorn, you will need additional support that they cannot give. This is especially true because only you can zoom out and see the entire picture of your life; only you know where you want to be in five or ten years, or what things are incredibly hard to achieve, or what your health and wellness is. It is hard to remember when everyone is trying to keep up a perfect image for the eventual job market, but the number one goal in graduate school is to complete the degree, not to complete the degree without needing any support from anyone ever. So if your goal is to complete the work, why not ask for the things that will make that easier? Why not build up the team of mentors, support, and resources you need to get where you want to go, in the way that makes the most sense for your life?
It would be great if academia were a system that was inclusive, where support was offered freely and a diversity of goals and experiences were anticipated and planned for. Many of us are working actively to make that happen. But until then, the biggest danger is not bad advisors. The biggest danger to graduate students is the belief that your entire fate rests in their hands. It doesn't. Working to support yourself so that you can do your best work is a skill that will pay off forever - and now is a great time to start.